The insights

 

I was aware that the word healing comes from the word whole/wholeness and that true healing includes the whole human being: Body, mind, soul and spirit.

 

I felt called to look deeper into myself, into my mental and emotional parts.

I knew that my thoughts and feelings played a significant part in my ability to cope with the crisis that struck my life.

 

I understood that specific ways of thinking, like constant compulsive worrying,

were not helpful and didn't support me.

 

Yet, I didn't know how to stop this way of thinking.

I also needed to find supportive ways to deal with my intense emotions of fear and feeling overwhelmed.

 

I knew these feelings were normal when receiving a stage 4 breast cancer diagnosis.

However, I couldn't let myself fall into despair and exhaust myself.

I also knew I couldn't push away, suppress or deny these feelings and repetitive thoughts.

 

I knew if I didn't find ways to ease my mind and give it a rest, I would feel depleted and unable to cope with all I needed to face.

 

I knew I needed to find ways to turn my mind into an ally.

For many years before my diagnosis, as part of my work as a social worker, a counsellor and for my own interest, I was curious about what mindfulness and meditation offer. I read a lot about it, attended seminars and workshops and even practiced occasionally.

 

When facing cancer, I knew I would need more than just accumulating more knowledge. It was the time to bring my knowledge into practice.

 

In many ways, facing cancer pushed me to start a daily practice.

 

What happened first was that I noticed my self-talk, my inner dialogue, and my attitude towards myself.

 

I was surprised to discover the content of my thoughts. My mind was racing with no control.

I felt lost in my tendency to create fear-based dramatic narratives. I have discovered a harsh inner voice, a tough inner critic and how unkind. 

 

It was revealing and confronting! I had no idea how much this dominated me!

 

I saw myself as a kind, caring human being. I have discovered I was a kind, caring human being towards others but not myself!

 

When I noticed these thinking patterns, I couldn't avoid asking myself:

 

Does this way of thinking serve me? 

Does it assist me in coping with what was happening in my life?

Does this way of thinking, this attitude towards myself, contribute to my healing?

 

I didn't let myself be discouraged by all I had discovered.

 

I knew something profound awaited me, so I continued my daily practice.